Sh!t they don't tell you about post-partum life.

So while I was taking a blog break and living in newborn and infant bliss with my child who refuses naps 90% of the time, and can't nap anywhere but in someone's arms or unless he is swaddled tighter than size 0 jeans on Honey Boo Boo's mother's body, I made many mental notes about shit they don't tell you about after you have a baby. This is also a TMI post, so don't read if you think you're going to get grossed out. Men, that means you. You will get grossed out. So don't read. Go play Madden or GTA or something instead. GO.

I mean, some of the stuff I was warned about by moms in my amazing August mom's group...but some of the things that happened/are happening have been totally effing unexpected and unwanted. I wish I would have been talked to about some of these things...so mamas who are expecting...here you go. Don't be scared. If you are scared, don't drink. Save all your drinking for when that baby comes and it wont nap. Hit the bottle when the baby hits the bottle. Or sleep when they sleep, whatever.
Just kidding. Kind of. Okay, not really.

Shall we?

1. YOU WILL BLEED MORE THAN YOU HAVE EVER BLED IN YOUR LIFE. 

It's true. I thought I would escape it since my baby didn't come out of the hoohah. Nope. Not even close. Post partum bleeding was no joke and there was actually a point in time where I was on Amazon contemplating using my free shipping for Depends. Cause, I mean, I can't go to the store and buy that. Someone will see me. And laugh at me. Or I will get a picture snapped of me carrying these adult diapers and will be posted to "People of Walmart" or posted on FB with the caption "HAHAHAHA LOOK WHAT SHE'S BUYING." But I didn't. Three weeks in, I stopped bleeding and I was like "SWEET! I lucked out." Guess what? Mother Nature was playing a sick joke on me and then the next day it was back with a vengeance.

2. YOU MAY NOT LOSE MUCH WEIGHT AFTER GIVING BIRTH.

Alright, shhh. I gained 35-40 lbs. Fatty Mc Fat Fat. I retained SO MUCH WATER it was unbelievable. I had lots of Nachos Bell Grande too, but still. Not 40 lbs worth. I was like "great! I had a nearly 9 lb baby, then like 8 lbs of fluids and 1 lb of placenta so I should be down like almost 15-20 lbs! I stepped on the scale when I got home...who wants to guess how much weight I had lost? 20? 25? 14?

4.2 effing pounds. That's not even scientifically possible with what came out of me.

But it is. I was pumped full of SO many fluids for 24 hours. I was swollen swollen swollen. I bawled. WTF. It was painful to walk because my ankles were cankles from having so much fluid stored in them. How was I supposed to care for a baby while caring for my incision and not be able to at least walk around? I called Dr. E and she gave me a diuretic...and I lost 16 lbs of fluid like that. In 3 days. Women...DO NOT GET ON THE SCALE WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.WAIT.

3. YOU MAY GET THE BABY BLUES.

You have all these hormones raging through your body from conception on. Once those hormones are delivered out of you, your body goes WTF. Total WTF. On day 3, in the hospital I started crying. I cried all day. I couldn't stop. Breastfeeding was going awfully, I was stuck in this bed. I had all these emotions. I missed my belly. I was a squishy mess. I cried because my baby was already growing up. I cried because he had already changed so much in 3 days. I cried because I was mad at my body for not being able to deliver vaginally. I cried because I felt like a burden to Mark and my family. They had to do so much for me because I couldn't move. I couldn't even get up to change my baby for several days. Everyone was so amazing to me, and I felt like such a pain in everyone's ass. Eventually, the baby blues turned into post partum depression. And it's TOTALLY normal. I walked into Dr. E's office for my postpartum follow up, her amazing nurse asked how I was doing and I just started crying. My baby was perfect. He was a good sleeper. Why was I feeling like this? Get help if you need it, ladies!

4. YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT.

This is definitely not one I was prepared for. At all. I got so many compliments on my long, thick beautiful pregnancy hair. Seriously, it got so long and so healthy. But guess what? Thanksgiving came (3 months after B was born) and it started falling out. I can't even look at the brush these days. And I'm about to hit up a weave and wig shop. I'm literally counting down the days until we can attempt to have another baby so I can know when this will end.

5. YOUR BODY MAY NOT "BOUNCE BACK"

I had B at 23. That's pretty young. Everyone was like "oh, you'll have your body back in no time!" No. It's not back. I may have almost lost all of the weight, but it has not been easy, and it has not gone back to its original size/shape. But you know what? Your body could bounce back. I could just be one of the unlucky ones that got bad genetics. Just don't be surprised if you're still wearing maternity clothes 2 months after because your hips that you did or didn't birth your baby out of spread.

6. BREASTFEEDING MAY OR MAY NOT BE A BREEZE

I had this grand plan to exclusively breast feed B for 6 months. I had all the supplies bought and ordered, my pump ready, everything ready. Guess what? He couldn't latch right. My milk didn't come in for 6 days. He was jaundiced. He was hungry. I couldn't feed him. It broke my heart. He would be so hungry by the time it was time to eat, that he would have absolutely no patience or desire to feed. So we had to turn to the bottle. We had to supplement. Why? Why was my body AGAIN not doing what it was "supposed" to do? I power pumped. I took supplements. Dr. E prescribed me a medication known to boost supply. Nothing worked. I tried everything. I pumped for 6 weeks. I went to our lactation lady at the hospital. By that time he had taken a preference for formula over breastmilk. You don't know how bad it broke my heart. I wanted that bond. I wanted to be close to him. But you know what? It was causing me more stress and heartbreak than it needed to. We switched to formula and never looked back. He's happy, healthy and thriving. If it doesn't work for you, don't worry. You are not alone.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I just thought it could really help one of my many pregnant friends or friends wanting to start families soon.

Let's leave this on a happy note. Here's my 4 month old chunker.