Sh!t they don't tell you about post-partum life.

So while I was taking a blog break and living in newborn and infant bliss with my child who refuses naps 90% of the time, and can't nap anywhere but in someone's arms or unless he is swaddled tighter than size 0 jeans on Honey Boo Boo's mother's body, I made many mental notes about shit they don't tell you about after you have a baby. This is also a TMI post, so don't read if you think you're going to get grossed out. Men, that means you. You will get grossed out. So don't read. Go play Madden or GTA or something instead. GO.

I mean, some of the stuff I was warned about by moms in my amazing August mom's group...but some of the things that happened/are happening have been totally effing unexpected and unwanted. I wish I would have been talked to about some of these things...so mamas who are expecting...here you go. Don't be scared. If you are scared, don't drink. Save all your drinking for when that baby comes and it wont nap. Hit the bottle when the baby hits the bottle. Or sleep when they sleep, whatever.
Just kidding. Kind of. Okay, not really.

Shall we?

1. YOU WILL BLEED MORE THAN YOU HAVE EVER BLED IN YOUR LIFE. 

It's true. I thought I would escape it since my baby didn't come out of the hoohah. Nope. Not even close. Post partum bleeding was no joke and there was actually a point in time where I was on Amazon contemplating using my free shipping for Depends. Cause, I mean, I can't go to the store and buy that. Someone will see me. And laugh at me. Or I will get a picture snapped of me carrying these adult diapers and will be posted to "People of Walmart" or posted on FB with the caption "HAHAHAHA LOOK WHAT SHE'S BUYING." But I didn't. Three weeks in, I stopped bleeding and I was like "SWEET! I lucked out." Guess what? Mother Nature was playing a sick joke on me and then the next day it was back with a vengeance.

2. YOU MAY NOT LOSE MUCH WEIGHT AFTER GIVING BIRTH.

Alright, shhh. I gained 35-40 lbs. Fatty Mc Fat Fat. I retained SO MUCH WATER it was unbelievable. I had lots of Nachos Bell Grande too, but still. Not 40 lbs worth. I was like "great! I had a nearly 9 lb baby, then like 8 lbs of fluids and 1 lb of placenta so I should be down like almost 15-20 lbs! I stepped on the scale when I got home...who wants to guess how much weight I had lost? 20? 25? 14?

4.2 effing pounds. That's not even scientifically possible with what came out of me.

But it is. I was pumped full of SO many fluids for 24 hours. I was swollen swollen swollen. I bawled. WTF. It was painful to walk because my ankles were cankles from having so much fluid stored in them. How was I supposed to care for a baby while caring for my incision and not be able to at least walk around? I called Dr. E and she gave me a diuretic...and I lost 16 lbs of fluid like that. In 3 days. Women...DO NOT GET ON THE SCALE WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.WAIT.

3. YOU MAY GET THE BABY BLUES.

You have all these hormones raging through your body from conception on. Once those hormones are delivered out of you, your body goes WTF. Total WTF. On day 3, in the hospital I started crying. I cried all day. I couldn't stop. Breastfeeding was going awfully, I was stuck in this bed. I had all these emotions. I missed my belly. I was a squishy mess. I cried because my baby was already growing up. I cried because he had already changed so much in 3 days. I cried because I was mad at my body for not being able to deliver vaginally. I cried because I felt like a burden to Mark and my family. They had to do so much for me because I couldn't move. I couldn't even get up to change my baby for several days. Everyone was so amazing to me, and I felt like such a pain in everyone's ass. Eventually, the baby blues turned into post partum depression. And it's TOTALLY normal. I walked into Dr. E's office for my postpartum follow up, her amazing nurse asked how I was doing and I just started crying. My baby was perfect. He was a good sleeper. Why was I feeling like this? Get help if you need it, ladies!

4. YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT.

This is definitely not one I was prepared for. At all. I got so many compliments on my long, thick beautiful pregnancy hair. Seriously, it got so long and so healthy. But guess what? Thanksgiving came (3 months after B was born) and it started falling out. I can't even look at the brush these days. And I'm about to hit up a weave and wig shop. I'm literally counting down the days until we can attempt to have another baby so I can know when this will end.

5. YOUR BODY MAY NOT "BOUNCE BACK"

I had B at 23. That's pretty young. Everyone was like "oh, you'll have your body back in no time!" No. It's not back. I may have almost lost all of the weight, but it has not been easy, and it has not gone back to its original size/shape. But you know what? Your body could bounce back. I could just be one of the unlucky ones that got bad genetics. Just don't be surprised if you're still wearing maternity clothes 2 months after because your hips that you did or didn't birth your baby out of spread.

6. BREASTFEEDING MAY OR MAY NOT BE A BREEZE

I had this grand plan to exclusively breast feed B for 6 months. I had all the supplies bought and ordered, my pump ready, everything ready. Guess what? He couldn't latch right. My milk didn't come in for 6 days. He was jaundiced. He was hungry. I couldn't feed him. It broke my heart. He would be so hungry by the time it was time to eat, that he would have absolutely no patience or desire to feed. So we had to turn to the bottle. We had to supplement. Why? Why was my body AGAIN not doing what it was "supposed" to do? I power pumped. I took supplements. Dr. E prescribed me a medication known to boost supply. Nothing worked. I tried everything. I pumped for 6 weeks. I went to our lactation lady at the hospital. By that time he had taken a preference for formula over breastmilk. You don't know how bad it broke my heart. I wanted that bond. I wanted to be close to him. But you know what? It was causing me more stress and heartbreak than it needed to. We switched to formula and never looked back. He's happy, healthy and thriving. If it doesn't work for you, don't worry. You are not alone.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I just thought it could really help one of my many pregnant friends or friends wanting to start families soon.

Let's leave this on a happy note. Here's my 4 month old chunker.

I abandoned this blog. But here's Beckett's Birth Story.

8/26

We checked into the hospital at 5:30 AM for our induction. I was seriously shaking from nerves. We walked into the hospital as a family of two and were going to leave as a family of three. SUCH an emotional experience!. It took an hour to get my IV in. This was the part I was dreading the most and I seem to have gotten the worst nurse possible for it. Finally, after three tries, it was in and I could relax a little better. Shift change happened and we met our 7am to 7pm nurse who was a freaking DOLL. I loved her. I still love her. She was amazing and made me so comfortable and at ease. She started my pitocin around 7:30 after she checked me, I was at a 3. Ok, cool.

At 8:30 when my OB (Dr. E) arrived, she broke my water. This is probably going to make me sound like a huge weirdo, but I LOVED that experience. I loved knowing that this was the point of "no return." That my baby boy was officially on his way into our arms.

They kept upping my pit and the contractions got stronger. I was dilated to a 5 and decided to get an epidural. The epidural was another thing I was so extremely worried about (I just hate needles). It was a breeze. The anesthesiologist  was phenomenal and talked me thought my fears. It wasn't bad at all and I felt it start working about 5 minutes later. I could feel   tightening, but I couldn't feel any pain. I was able to take a nap and get lots of rest with Mark while waiting for progression. I was turned on my Rt, Left, and then back every thirty minutes.

At 4 pm, I was at a 7! OMG! I was so excited and so nervous. When I say this was an incredibly emotional day, I meant it. DH gave me a card with a sweet note written in it for me at this point.  I bawled. If I could go back in time to that moment, I would in a heartbeat.

At 5, 6, 7, and 8 pm, I was checked for progression, especially at 7 when I thought I felt pressure in my bottom, I was still at a 7. At 7:30, the nurse told me that I needed Oxygen, and that Beck wasn't handling labor well anymore. Dr. E came in and showed me that his HB would go very, very fast, and then drop super low. He was stressed out. My uterus started slowing down. I would have strong contractions 1 minute apart for 5-7 minutes, and then wouldn't have another for 5 minutes. My OB said that if there was no progression by 8PM that she would really like to discuss options to get baby out safe.

At 8pm, I was checked. I was still at a 7. There had been 4 hours with no progression. I cried. They explained my options, which were to go ahead and have a c section and get the baby out, or wait just a teeny longer. Mark and I discussed and having had a loss in the past, we decided to go ahead with the CS to get baby out healthy and alive. I cried. And cried. And cried. It hit me that I would most likely never get to birth a baby (not many OB's will attempt VBAC around here) "normally". It hit me that I was going to have major surgery in a matter of minutes. It hit me that pregnancy was over (which I was ready for, but it was such an awesome time in my life). There were so many emotions.
They prepped me (and by prepped I mean numbed me and got the area ready) at 8:15. At 8:30 they wheeled me back to the OR and prepped my abdomen. They finally let Mark in after he scrubbed up. I felt so nauseous. I told the anesthesiologist that I was nauseous and she gave me a medication. I then proceeded to vomit twice on the table. This is apparently why they don't let you eat when you're in labor...to prevent this from happening. Well, it happened. I should have just eaten a damn cheeseburger at noon when I was starving.

A little while later I heard "Time of birth: 20:45" and heard the most beautiful cry I have ever heard. Big strong, healthy cry. I remember Mark popping up to go see him while I remained on the table. It really bothered me that I could not see my baby or what was going on.
Mark came back and showed me the most beautiful photo on his phone that I have ever seen.

 

Then I said "WHAT!? 8 lbs 11 oz?! WTF.

 

 

They let me do skin to skin with him, which is apparently a new policy at that hospital that they are doing to promote bonding in CS patients. It was nice. You know what that little stinker did as soon as he was placed on my chest? He lifted his head and looked around the room. I knew I was in trouble then.

 

So then they wheeled me to recovery where we Facetimed Mark's family so they could see the baby from Colorado. And then my parents came to meet him. I really don't remember most of it. I remember whenever someone would give me the baby back, I would ask "when is this kid going to get a bath, it looks like he has bacon bits in his hair!" I was grossed out just a teeny bit. I wanted to snuggle a clean baby. So at midnight, they took him and bathed him and I took a quick nap.

We were discharged on 8/29/2013 and had to go back for a weight check on 8/30/13 because he was jaundiced and we had struggled with feedings. :(

But basically, we are in love with him. You don't know what love really is until you meet your child. The child you dreamed about, carried around for 40 weeks, stressed about, planned for. It's amazing.