Last One Standing.

I am so sorry the blog looks so ridiculous right now. I am HTML challenged and have no clue how to work this blogger thing. So, sorry it's an eyesore!

Anyways.

I joined a couple of Mom's groups when I was pregnant with Beckett. They helped me through my worries, through my anxiety, and through the gross shit like mucus plugs and stretchmarks. We have gotten to know each other through the "highs" and have come together when someone was having a "low". The support is incredible. Those women are some of my best friends. I am so lucky to have them, to guide me, to support me, to love me and B.

They have been exceptionally supportive towards me as of recently. In these groups, there is a portion of these women that started to talk about expanding their families. We talked about it for months. When the time frame came that we started to talk about TTC (trying to conceive) these women were blessed with positives. My heart is full of happiness for them. In my groups, one other person and I are the Last Ones Standing.

What does that mean?

It means we all started "trying" roughly the same time and we have not conceived. The months have gone by. And by. And by.

"What is wrong with me?"
"What if Beckett is my one and only and everything we are experiencing together is the last time?"
"How the hell are we going to afford IVF?"
"I'm not pregnant because all of the slots for that month are full"

All of these thoughts have crossed my mind and I have gone into panic mode. I know they are a bit irrational, but they are my legit thoughts.

Let me explain that last one.

My friend over at the blog "Breathe Gently" explains it the best.  Basically, in the given month that my expected due date would fall under if I was to get pregnant that cycle "fills up" with people you know getting their positive tests. It's basic statistics. If you know 4 people who get their positives for lets say, a June due date, then your chances of "grabbing a spot" for that month is gone. Maybe I feel this way because the way that my due dates would fall is always the 26th, 29th, etc. So there's "no room" for me.

It may seem irrational to some, but I know that if I could relate to her "irrational" thoughts, then another woman could too.

It's been a rough six months. I have friends that  started out TTC with me that I talked to nearly every day, that have gotten their positive tests and then I guess felt like they had nothing else to talk to me about?  It can be lonely.

The most difficult part of this journey is not knowing WHY it's taking longer than it has in the past. I've been pregnant twice and both times I have gotten pregnant easily. Maybe too easily. Maybe now God is making me pay for wait awhile so I feel the pain that so many other women have felt? I don't know.

I do know that test day is coming up for this cycle. I don't have high hopes. honestly. After staring at 140 so many tests that are negative, I don't even want to test early like I have done in the past. I'll just wait it out and let nature take its course.

In the mean time, I need to resolve to do a better job with my pregnancy and new baby jealousy. I need to stop comparing my life to others. Nobody's journey is the same.  I need to get that through my thick head. I need to stop letting my heart hurt when I get a negative test and not even 16 minutes later there is a pregnancy announcement. It's just hard. I'm so in love with someone I haven't met yet. I had always pictured having my kids' siblings pretty close in age like both my husband and I had growing up. That dream is slowly falling apart. That's what hurts the most, I think.

Anywho, thanks for making it through that.
I don't know why I'm blogging about this, really. Maybe as a vent to feel better. Maybe so I can look back on it when I want nothing but sleep as I'm snuggling M2 in a year or so. Who knows?

Love,

J